I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Holy sore nipples Batman
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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