One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
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I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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