Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
