I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
