I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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