Cold hands, warm shart.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
