Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
