I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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