When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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