The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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