Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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