Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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