You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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