i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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