i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
