I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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