I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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