I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
