Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
