Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
