i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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