If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
