my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
