No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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