I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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