i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
