come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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