I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
