Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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