Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
