You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
