mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
