There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
