Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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