what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
