fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
