Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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