My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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