Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
