my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
