He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize