I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
