hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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