Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
