the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
there is glitter all over my balls
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
