My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
