$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
