I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
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Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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