Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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