that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
