i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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