i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
