Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
