I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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