I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
