apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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