shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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