You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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