it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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