I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Randomize
