you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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