let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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